so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
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Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
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I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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