Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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