I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
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I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
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I didn't notice because vodka
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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