hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
i've created a new STD.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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