Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
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I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
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I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The Olympian is in my bed
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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