new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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