Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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