i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm passing your future prison.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We have started to decorate penises.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize