the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
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she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
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Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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