I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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