there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
