I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
