don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
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you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
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We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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