You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
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THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
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Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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