We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
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You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
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So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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