Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
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Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
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I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
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