Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize