I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
my shit smells like andre
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Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
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I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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