i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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