ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
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That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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