Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
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Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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