Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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