God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ππ#pensacolaproblems
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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