i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
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She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
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My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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