Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
