I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
