i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
