This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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