i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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