I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize