I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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