Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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