i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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