This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
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I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
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I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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