This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
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I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
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I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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