i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize