My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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