Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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