I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize