glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
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She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
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So much Jack, so little girl.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Drunk is a universal language darling
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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