The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
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It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
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I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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