I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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