life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize