she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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