stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
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I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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