I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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