dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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