I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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