Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
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On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
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I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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