I think I won the penis lottery.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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