where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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