We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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