I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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